I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
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Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
☠️☠️☠️
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
A friend sent me this.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap