It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
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Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Yoga Matt
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
You can’t outrun your problems…