GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
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THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.