My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
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My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
mariah carrie
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them