ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
You Might Also Like
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Y’all know who you are.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that