Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
You Might Also Like
WTF
This makes total sense…
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Milk Cube
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???