[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
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[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup