I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
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If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
This hospital has everything
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon