True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
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the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Still my favorite headline of all time:
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.