me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
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When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
All excellent questions
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy