Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
You Might Also Like
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My sex drive has a dui
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.