God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
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Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate