Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
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At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.