cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
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I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?