until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
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Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”