I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
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I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.