I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
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i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
“What movie?” 🤔
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
This 4th of July, please remember…
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur