Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
You Might Also Like
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My love language is deader than Latin
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.