Ape together strong
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[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?