You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
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kevin is now a local weatherman
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard