I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
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that lip filler tho
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE