The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
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HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
new wife guy just dropped
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
whatcha thinkin bout
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast