Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’