My apartment is a mess, I should move
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Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
LA today:
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.