*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
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Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”