My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
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Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭