What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
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My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them