I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
You Might Also Like
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Admin smashed it 😂