Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
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shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Autocorrect is my menesis
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Left at a local drug store…
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones