When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
When I snag the last meatball.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
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