[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
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Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Sooo many times…..
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Well, my evening plans are ruined
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.