I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
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My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band