one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
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Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Saturday