If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
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you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late