I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
This fish is cracking me up
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.