*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
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my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?