I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
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Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.