All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
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Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life