[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
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I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids