Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
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Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
This is so me 😂😂
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains