[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
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Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.