Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
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Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
bad news gang
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
No selfies while hijacking a train.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
he looks great for his age
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.