A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
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I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.