It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
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sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.