I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
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Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
What the hell happened in there??
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha