Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
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A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video