Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
my fav colour is also hitler
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline