Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.