[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
You Might Also Like
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.