hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
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H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.